34 Weeks 6 Days

The last two day's posts ended up being drafts and remain unfinished.

Today I'll put it simply with two quotes from the L&D Dr.

"We only deal with things associated with the vagina. We don't deal with ankle pain."

"There is a note in the system, put in yesterday after your visit, that you are no longer to be treated for pain other than that associated with pregnancy."

34 Weeks 2 Days

Today I had quite the morning of pain. Kara was visiting and was able to entertain Blake while Dad, Joseph, and Mom helped me with massaging, ice packs, and heat packs. A few hours of pain passed in just enough time to get ready for my appointment with Pain Management in Fairfield (UCD P.M. still refuses to see me). Kara came with Me and Dad to the appointment. I was there to get 2 injections of Lidocaine in my spine at 2 different levels. When we got there we asked if I could get an injection in my ankle/lower leg as well since pain is really slamming me there. Doc said she would be guessing if she tried in the ankle becuase the nerves are too small and too hard to find. So she said that instead, she would stick my butt and "poke around" and find the sciatic nerve. I asked Dad to video the procedure and he did. He didn't record when my butt was stabbed multiple times, haha, but he did record the rest! I tried uploading them to this post, but was unable to do so!

When we left the appointment, I had to sit on my scooter because the strength of my leg was totally gone since I was numb! It was quite amusing! My foot/leg has been numb for hours and 6 hours later, I finally got some strength back in my leg. My pain level has been like....3-4?  Some niggling pain, but nothing severe. The bone spur part of my ankle has been in more pain though and is starting to build a little bit.

This afternoon I was quite tired and laid down to sleep. I basically passed out. Hours later I woke up to Blaire stretching and kicking up a storm! I think she was not happy that I was laying half on my tummy. Yes, I'm 34 weeks and can still sleep on my tummy comfortably! I fell back asleep and woke to my medication alarm going off. I tried to text my mom to find out what meds I needed but I was so out of it, I sent a crazy text that was made of half words or no real words at all! haha

34 Weeks 2 Days

When I was pregnant with Blake I so looked forward to his arrival. As soon as it was announced we were having a boy, we always called him Blake, not Baby. I was so excited to meet him and hold him. He was born and was taken away right away and I didn't get to meet him for 8 hours. They had me come in to hold him just before they transported him to UCDavis. 

When I held him it was the strangest thing. I looked into his face and my mind went blank. I didn't know what to think. He was no longer inside me, but in my arms instead. He looked at me and didn't make any sounds. I felt his swollen hands and feet. I rubbed his bright red legs and arms. 

I so wanted to cry because I didn't feel like he was anything special. 

I was in a room full of nurses and family members all excited to witness my first moment of holding my son and all I felt were their eyes on me. I didn't feel anything toward 'this Baby'. At that point he wasn't Blake, he was just a baby I was holding.

It took a few weeks for me to really feel like he was mine. I knew it would take some time, but I still felt very guilty for not loving him like I was "supposed to."

I totally felt with this pregnancy that I was having a girl. All the symptoms were so different, I just "knew" that it was a girl. We were able to find out the gender of the Baby and from that day, just like with Blake, we started referring to her as Blaire.

But, I have found it very hard to call her Blaire and have continued, for the most part, to refer to her as 'the Baby.'

Laying in bed this morning she kicked my hands and rolled over and all around. . . .

I thought of her arrival in less than 3 weeks and how I have not taken the time to enjoy her. . . .

I've been so focused on my pain that I couldn't even enjoy the nudges and kicks Blaire has been making. This whole time I've been waiting for this journey to be over and done with because it's been so stressful and so not enjoyable. 

To realize that I've been so detached makes me so sad. 

I'm not even able to find the proper words to describe it.
I've lost time and will never be able to get it back.

I always want to live in the moment and enjoy every aspect of life, but this journey has been so much. I always enjoy Blake, but Blaire has been forgotten. 

When I think of her, it's always in terms of sadness and pain.

It's not "she'll be here in 3 weeks!"

It's more like, "she'll be here in 3 weeks. We don't know if she'll handle the withdrawls okay." 

It's not, "she is moving!"
It's more like, "she isn't moving because I have so many drugs in my system."

It's not, "we're gonna bring a baby home!!!"

It's more like, "We don't know how long it will be before we can bring her home from the hospital. Not only does she have to get off all these drugs, but I do too. And we don't know what other issues she might have that will keep her longer in the hospital.

I've tried to be so positive about this all.

It's been hard in so many ways.

I know God is in control and He will make 

things work perfectly according to His will.

I remember what Jesus did for me, taking all my pain 

and suffering so I don't have to live in a horrible eternity.
I think of Him and know that I can deal with this.
He felt more pain than I and still continued in His Father's will.

But then to realize my lack of enthusiasm during this time. . .

During each immense pain episode asking, "Is she worth all this?" 

Begging someone, Anyone! to tell me that "she is worth this." 

Always saying "I can't wait for this to be over and done with forever."

. . . . . . . . . . .

That is a different emotion all together.

34 Weeks 0 Days

It's 10pm and I'm reclining comfortably in "my" bed watching Bones. I'm not in L&D or ER!!! I just hope tonight continues as today has gone. Mom took me to the Chiropractor this afternoon and I was able to do the back treatments again. My pain spike coincided with the time I stopped the chiropractor treatments so I asked if I could continue the treatments.

Today Ashley and I went through all Blaire's clothing. We are almost set! I need to buy a few sets of pants and maybe an extra sleeper or two for different months. Of course, I'll be buying some decorative elastic and sew some flowers on and make her some head bands!

I've been having some contractions but can hardly feel them. I can feel some sharp pains down low but I'm unable to recognize when my belly gets hard. Mom can tell, but it all feels the same to me! With Blake I was never able to distinguish between contractions and regular belly tightness. When I've had my NST's, the machine shows that I'm having consistent contractions and I'm dilated to 1cm. The other night I woke to a very odd feeling. I knew that I didn't pee my pants by the way everything felt, but it was strange and now am on the lookout for more leaking of the water bag. Blaire has been quite active today. I took one extra pill in the afternoon, but since I've not been loaded up with meds from the hospital, she has been able to function well today without being so subdued from the drugs. 

I so hate being on these drugs. I hate that Blaire will have to go through withdrawls. I'm praying that her lungs will develop quickly and properly so she won't need steroids to develop them. Also that she will go through withdrawls just fine so we can bring her home at 1 week old rather than who-knows-when. I've been learning new things from all the different doctors I've been seeing (literally) every other day (or more).

3 weeks and counting...

21 days (hopefully) to induction.

In an email, my OB said that I could deliver at 37 weeks, but I need to make sure she sticks to her word. I'm not ready to continue in this pain and all the trips for help, so I gotta keep her to her word at 37 weeks and not longer!!

Almost 34 Weeks

We have decided to take my dad up on his offer.

We are giving up our apartment and moving in permanently with my parents.
We already have been in their "guest room" for over a week and will be packing up our boxes of belonging and transporting our furniture to this house over the next few weeks. I'm completely on bed rest except for bathroom trips. I'm eating meals mostly laying down in bed or on the couch. 

There is too much to say. There aren't enough words to describe what has been going on so I'm going to give you the letter that I'm sending to my OB. I've been up at Labor&Delivery so many times, I can't even count them by now; I'm sure it's beyond the 20 mark.

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Hi Dr. C,

I’ve been having a very difficult time managing this pain. I’m driving up to L&D numerous times during the week to get additional help for relief. I’m taking 15mg MSContin every 6 hours and 2mg Dilaudid every 4 hours. A few days ago, one of the L&D doctors instructed to take a 4mg tab when I have an episode and see if that helps and might reduce my trips to UCD. So far, it has helped for 1 or 2 episodes, but not for the other 3 or more episodes. I’m completely on bedrest except for bathroom trips. I’m laying constantly in bed, even laying down to eat meals. It has definitely been better to lay down rather than to sit or stand, but the pain level is still high and is always present.

By the time I arrive at UCD, I’ve already had an hour of intense pain at home, endured 45 minutes being driven to UCD laying in the back seat while pain continues to increase, and by the time I’m at L&D waiting for help the pain becomes unbearable. Once finally being checked in and called back to a room it takes at least 60 minutes to get any medication  okay'ed by a doctor or delivered and even longer for some relief. I wait sobbing and writhing in pain, unable to lay still, and unable to answer questions correctly. Yesterday I was unable to state how far along I am/when I’m due, and that's something that is easy to remember.

I and my Mom/Dad have overheard conversations between nurses where it has been said, “can’t she manage her pain at home?” Another conversation was, 

Nurse who checked me in- “She is here again. What do you want me to do?”
Person on the walky talky device- “Again? Stop giving her meal trays!”
Nurse- “We haven’t been giving her any.”
Person on the device- “Put her in the lobby and wait an hour and see if she goes away.”
Nurse- “I can’t do that. She is the only one here in the lobby.”
Person on the device- “Well, I guess you gotta treat her then.”

& other nurses seeming to have little to no compassion for my situation while I’m dealing with severe pain. We have asked about when a doctor would be able to come and assist and the nurse replied, ‘ you just have to wait your turn.’
I’ve been put in back rooms with no air conditioner on and instructed to keep the door closed because I’m “upsetting the other patients” but they are in no rush to give me assistance. We opened the door for fresher air because of  the heated room and we have been told to close the door because there were patients down the hall and then have been given dirty looks from certain nurses because of my sobbing. I feel like they are treating me like I’m just there for a drug fix, rather than treating me like someone who is dealing with legitimate pain and someone who needs relief. 

 Is there something that is in my chart which would make them treat me like I’m there for something other than significant and crippling pain issues? I have no where else to go and the pain doesn’t go away on it’s own. Over the time I sit waiting for help, the pain just builds and builds. Never in my life have I been in this much pain.

Dealing with all this pain and misery, I should not have to deal with nurses who have an issue with me coming in for help.
Also, is there any way to get medication ordered for me ahead of time so that when I am in L&D every 2-3 or so days, I don’t have to wait so long for relief? As I stated earlier, by the time I’m getting minimal relief, it has already been at least 2.5 hours or more of severe and unbearable pain…
-Amber
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33 Weeks 2 Days

I woke up this morning with steady, but not intense, level 7 pain. I got up to crawl to the bathroom and back and my pain didn't increase. I crawled downstairs and my pain didn't increase. I sat at the table for 5 minutes to eat and then laid down on the couch with ice packs. 5 minutes later I was asking for a foot massage. By the time 10 minutes had passed, my pain had spiked to almost a level 10. 

Dad rushed us out the door to head to UCDavis. Panting, moaning, rubbing my leg/foot, and weaving through traffic, we got there just before tears started to fall. I scooter-ed up to the L&D. The receptionist was on the phone, chuckling and smiling... Nearly in tears I asked if she could get me in the system. She told the person on the phone to hold on. She said she would be right with me and then walked to the other side of the counter, picked up the phone and said,'Okay so the fax machine and printer..." I exclaimed and said "Really!?" Tears flew to my eyes and down my face. The pain was sooo bad and I'd been dealing with it for over an hour. I called out asking for help. No One Came. I sat on my scooter at an empty window slot and the doors opened next to me and a nurse leaving was passing me. I called and reached out asking if they could help me! The nurse didn't even stop. 

You got a pregnant woman leaning over handle bars of a scooter, sobbing in pain, crying out for help. and you couldn't even stop to say anything?! 

I then reached over the counter to the stack of papers. I filled out the paper they'd use to register me in their system and when I finished it, another nurse walked up and I slammed it on the counter. The pain was so bad I was shaking and couldn't even sign my name and it be readable. The new nurse instructed me to wheel out back to the lobby and wait. I couldn't even move so I sobbed next to the window until Dad came up to join me.

Within just 2 minutes or so I was told there was a bed for me. Dad pushed the scooter and then I fell into bed. The nurse asked me to put on the large belly band so they could monitor Blaire. I then laid in bed, writhing, sobbing, and hollering for nearly an hour before any nurse came back. I got an injection of pain meds which kicked in fully after about 15 minutes. I'd been in severe pain for 2 hours or more by this point.

This whole day is crazy. I don't know why I was in so much pain. Last night was the first time I didn't sleep on ice this whole week...
Could that be the only thing that caused this morning episode?

Dad and Chad are going out now to buy a new bed for me and Joseph to stay in the guest room. Mom and Dad will get their room back and I'll be able to be downstairs and be confined to bed completely except for bathroom breaks and dr. visits. If getting up is going to cause so much pain, then I won't be getting up at all.

33 Weeks 1 Day

Yesterday went pretty good. My pain was low enough that I didn't need to be massaged all day but it was present and nagging the whole day. It was a very low intensity pain. The most pain I had, kicked in around 2am. I discovered that if I sit on the edge of the bed with my left leg hanging over the side, and my right leg bent in front of me and I bend forward as far as I can go, the pain will disappear almost completely! But, as soon as I sit back up and am not stretching anymore, the pain immediately returns... I thought that was majorly interesting. Stretching my back open must be taking the pressure off that nerve which is being pinched. After being awake for just over an hour, the pain subsided enough so Joseph and I could go back to sleep. 

This morning my pain woke me around 8 am. It was a constant 7/8 pain but not intense. When we got up out of bed around 10:00, my foot had started to hurt so mom massaged it out for about a half hour. We all then threw on our clothes (rather than pj's) and got downstairs at the right time. A man from church who does prayer ministry for those unable to go to church came at 11am to meet with, annoint with oil, and pray for me. He said that tomorrow morning is when ALL the pastors/leaders of the church meet and pray. He said that they will definitely be praying for healing and relief from my pain. 

It's kind of a weird thought that so many people are praying for me (&Blaire). I know my family has been very diligent in praying for our situation and I can not even express how thankful I am for their support and prayers. But now that we have so many people at church praying and friends of friends of family praying, it is an odd feeling to know that so many people care enough to pray for us!

Today I went to pain management in Fairfield to see Dr. P and find out if she would be willing to help me out with pain relief while pregnant. UCD Pain Management won't see me for any reason! Dr.P was very enthusiastic about helping and it seemed like it was no big deal for me to be pregnant. So, she did two spinal injections of Lidocaine (numbing agent?) into 2 different levels of my spine. The procedure was not bad at all! She said that if it gives relief either in my leg/foot/ or back, she can do the injections every week til baby is born! So far my foot has had no relief but maybe it will help my back! We shall see!

We have been living with my parents for a week now. "Our room" is slowly being emptied out so Dad can buy a bed for the room. We have been sleeping in Mom and Dad's bed while Mom sleeps on the twin bed in my old room and Dad sleeps in his rocking chair down stairs. It's hard to believe it's been a full week that we have been here. It only feels like it's been a few days!

Yesterday I got a call from my OB, Dr.F, and she wanted to know how much activity/walking around I do. Apparently she spoke with the other OB who is concerned about blood clots. I told her that when I get out of bed in the morning I crawl to the bathroom and then I crawl downstairs to the couch and am parked there all day. She was quite surprised that I'm so immobile. She prescribed a daily injection of blood thinner for me. When I called the pharmacy they said Medi-Cal needs more information (of course, like always) and that if I wanted to pay out of pocket it would be nearly $500.00 for one fill . . .  CRAZY!! I can pay for my other prescriptions that are$20 each, but $500 is ridiculous and they'd just need to admit me for the issue.