17 Weeks 4,&5 Days

:: I'm beginning to detest life ::

The only enjoyment I'm getting right now is driving to the radio, cuddling/sleeping next to Joseph, and playing (the little I can) with Blake.

Did I mention previously that I've only made one meal for my family , aside from fresh smoothies, bowls of cereal, and PBJ sandwichs, in the last full month? .... We're living off those because I can't stand long enough on one aching leg to cook meals? Even on the scooter it is still very difficult...

Wednesday night, I had a hard time falling asleep and had a semi painful night. I woke the next morning, Thursday, not ready to go to my OB appointment. I was very tired but was able to leave the house right when I needed to. At the appointment I planned to switch from this clinic to a different clinic due to not liking they way this clinic manages the T1Ds. On the way to the clinic, Mom and I talked on the phone. She was coming from Grandma Audrey’s house and planned to meet me. We ended up pulling into the parking garage at the same time! She was right behind me. The appointment went very well. Dr seemed less intimidating and take-charge as she usually is. Mom and I recorded the conversation so that we could listen back and remember with better details. For now, I’ll be staying with this doctor and clinic. Dr said that she can compromise and be fully in charge of my levels, meaning that NO other doctor will be allowed to see me, suggest insulin changes, or anything! I think that will help a lot and the dr also said that I am still the one to be in charge of my pump. She will never force me to make changes and will not take over the situation entirely. That definitely eased some of my concerns. I was able to ask a lot of questions and asked what the benefits were to staying in this clinic vs. changing clinics to have a different management system. I still believe the other clinic would be better, less stressful, but am hesitant to change clinics since I’m on so much medication and they know all my history. If I changed, I’d have to explain everything all over again multiple times and that’s a hassle. I will stay with this Dr for now and see how everything goes. I have some more information in general about how this dr works, how she will let me choose my health options, and how the hospital runs, so I think things will be fine. My concerns are less and dr is fully aware of them so I’m pleased with that. Baby was too active to hear the heartbeat long enough by Doppler. They brought out the ultrasound and I got to see B. B waved and then continued to flip and roll all around! Quite active and I couldn’t feel any movement!! That evening, I relaxed at home while Joseph did dishes, laundry, cared for Blake, and everything else that needed to be done around the house. I always feel bad that he is doing so much, but I know that I’m not able to do most of that. Late evening I was in a lot of pain. During the night, I was up a lot and used ice packs on my foot and back which helped only minimally.

Friday morning I had a second dr appointment to get refills of my medications. I had a 10:30 appointment but because I was in SO much pain during the night I called to reschedule my time slot for later in the day. Between midnight and 10 am, I’d maxed out on the daily maximum of Tylenol. I’d taken Methadone 2 hours early than my dose was due. I went to the chiropractor for my back treatment and was in minimal pain during that time. Once it was over, my pain resumed and Joseph, Blake, & I headed to Sac for the appointment at 1:50. My foot was very much swollen and throbbed so I rubbed it most of the drive there, all in the waiting room, and through the entire 1 hr dr visit. It was not letting up. At the appointment I expected to not need to increase my dose of Methadone, even though I’ve had some bad days or nights where I’d needed an additional dose. When I told the dr, she was surprised that I needed another increase. I asked if I really did need an increase and she said, “Well if you’ve had 4 days in the last week and a half, where you’re taking extra doses and maxing out on Tylenol, then yeah, you need more because we are supposed to be able to cover your pain completely without the need of ice, heat, and Tylenol. She said that normally women in pain have less pain during pregnancy and it doesn’t make sense that I’m experiencing more pain even though I’m on major meds. She couldn’t seem to comprehend that my pain is mostly my foot and not my back.  I was quite annoyed at the end of the appointment because it seemed like she expected me to have the answers to my pain. I was adamant that I didn’t know the causes, and multiple specialists over the last 10 years couldn’t find the source of my pain either. She was at a loss of what to do. She said she will not increase my Methadone any more. This is the highest dose I need to be on by the time I deliver. She wants me to pressure my sports med doc into finding the answer and treat me better. I told her that I want him to look at the MRI but I don’t really expect him to find anything. I also said that I think I have a pinched nerve because of my symptoms from 3 years ago up to now. She said “Well pinched nerves are very common in pregnancy” and I responded, “I’m not talking about during pregnancy. This pain is the SAME EXACT pain that I’ve dealt with for YEARS! This is nothing new! My pain is increasing because I’m unable to get rid of my swelling at the ankle joint and that is the only way I’ve been able to be nearly pain free in the past. It’s not unusual for my pain to be like this. I just need your help to cover the pain best we can because I have no answers.” Anyway.  It was a super stupid visit and I left extremely irritated.  I feel like they look at me as someone who’s mental and just looking for drugs to take and that my pain isn’t real. Even my foot dr said, “Oh you have a bruised bone. This MRI shows that and validates your pain.” …..UGH

That evening, my pain was on the rise. We had plans to go to Lodi and visit family but everyone’s plans fell through. It ended up being a good thing that all the plans went kaput because my pain was massive. Evening and all night long, I was moaning and nearly in tears numerous times. Ice wasn’t helping a ton, Joseph’s massage helped a lot but I was still at crying level, barely holding it back. I don’t know how long Joseph was awake massaging me but it was a long night for both of us.

Saturday has been a stupid day for the most part. This pain has finally subsided after 4pm for no apparent reason except for possibly the muscle relaxant I took at noon and the additional 5mg Methadone at 4pm.  My fuse with Blake is extremely short and I’d sent him to rest in bed when he was whining excessively.  I’m super ticked off. I’m annoyed with these doctors and how they make me feel (really) crazy. I’m irritated from being off my foot and still having so much pain. I’m irritated because of using either crutches or the scooter (which is super helpful) is so cumbersome and just irritating! I’m sick and tired of all these stupid situations. I know God has a plan and will reveal it in His time (or not, Paul never knew) but in the meantime, I’m having a difficult time. I’m so ready to check out. I don’t want to talk to people, hear from people, know people even exist. I want to take off with Joseph and Blake and just be gone.  I don’t want to be stuck in this situation. I want the days to fly by with barely a memory to remember, just so my days are over. I’m so just done with this experience. B needs to grow quickly, come semi early, and let me be done with all of this. With my last pregnancy, I felt like this at 30 weeks… I’m only at (almost) 18 weeks.

I want to get back to sleeping at night. 

I want to get back to living during the day. 

I want to get back to minimal pain. 

I want to get back to me.