2 Days Old

She has been here for 3 days now.

I don't even know where to start writing!

I'm heading home today and she gets to stay in her suite for a bit longer!

Miss Blaire is a fighter. She has a rough road ahead of her for a few weeks, but I know God will give her the strength to keep chuggin along! Jaundice set in during the night and she is enjoying her "sun-tan" =) She looks so much like Blake! Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between her picture and his! She puts her toes together and grabs onto the wires just like Blake.

Can you believe this squishy little girl?! I didn't believe everyone when they told me...

10 Lbs and 14.6 oz! 

 Born on July 28th, 2015 without an epidural at 3:05pm

3 hours of intense labor after my water was broken, and then....

15 minutes of pushing.

- - The Event of A Life-Time - -

Sunday, July 26th, 2015

Sunday afternoon I had another pain episode that sent Mom rushing me up to L&D again. Seeing how I'm writing this so long after, I can't hardly remember those details. We ended up being there very late and when Mom asked how long we would wait for the doc to come release us, we were informed that I was being admitted since my induction was scheduled for the morning. Also, instead of induction at 10am like it had been planned, my induction had been changed to 6am. I got a room and Mom and Joseph stayed the night with me.

Monday, July 27th, 2015

6am I was given a pill to help my cervix do it's work. 10am I got another pill to help it along. I was a little discouraged that it was taking so long because a 7/27 birthday would be cool =) One of the doctors told me, "If this little one comes by tomorrow afternoon, we would consider that to be very successful!" 2pm came with another pill and I was dilated at 3 and that was a nice surprise. My ankle pain was arriving with a vengeance and so anesthesia was called in to do an epidural so I could stop taking the Dilauded which was making Blaire too sedated. At that time we discussed popping my water at 6pm but when the time came around, all the doctors were too busy to pop the water. In the evening after my epidural had been in quite a while, I noticed that I could feel my right leg. Anesthesia came in and did a test to see how effective the epidural was. My left leg was almost entirely numb but my right leg had "windows" where the epidural was unable to affect. After receiving a light back rub from Ashley, she noticed that there was a huge wet area on my back around where the needle had gone in. Anesthesia was called in again and determinted that the epidural had fallen out. I was contracting pretty regularly and when the guy said, "well, you have two options.1) you can just continue without it, or 2) you can have it done again." Obviously, with foot pain and contractions I immediately opted for another try at the epidural. I was able to sleep the night through with minimal pain.

Tuesday, July 28th, 2015 

My mid morning cervix check was 5cm. My contractions were helped along with Pitocin but only at the very smallest dose. Drs came in at 11:50 and broke my water bag. By 12:05pm, contractions were coming hard and fast. The machine showed that they were peaking and the dropping, waiting a minute or two and doing it again, but the machine was sooo wrong! I was having constant 2-3 minute contractions right on top of one another. I quickly got to the point where talking with anyone was nada unless I HAD to answer. 

Around 2pm, pain was massive. The epidural wasn't working at all. I told the nurse and she didn't seem to believe me so I said that I was so NOT NUMB that I could get up and walk around. She chuckled and said, "No, you only think you can walk." Shortly after, I was dying. Baby was sitting on my pelvic bones and it was immense... crazy... pain. Way stronger than I'd had with Blake. I laid on my side and shifted from left to right, trying to find a position to be fairly comfortable in. Nothing worked. They checked me and I was at 9cm. That cervix check was SO painful. I couldn't believe how bad this was... and I'm not someone who is a stranger to pain. I couldn't stand being on my side anymore. I instantly, and literally, JUMPED up from my side position and got on my hands and knees to rock back and forth... guess I did have full function of my legs after all! Everyone was shocked! I had to move for some reason, I don't remember why, and was back on my sides, clutching the side rails. I got back on my hands and knees to rock but it didn't relieve any of the pain like the previous time so again I laid down. 

My doc came in and wanted me on my back because she said it was time. I moaned and cried, begging to not be moved. The pain of baby pushing on my pelvic bone was worse than anything I've ever dealt with. Just to have someone touch my skin in the lightest sent shooting pain throughout my whole body. I kept screaming at everyone to stop touching me. Mom tried to be encouraging and that was so not cool. I'm pretty sure I told her to shut up at least twice! 

Laying on my back with my legs up, trying to curl into a ball, the nurse put the baby monitors on my belly, right over the pelvic bones, right where ALL my pain was centered. I screamed and begged her to take it off because the pain was too much. I told her to put it higher and put it ANYWHERE except there. I begged Joseph to do something. I clutched his shirt and then Ashley's shirt, needing someone to act for me. The nurse put the monitors back on me and pain shot throughout my body again. It seemed that every nerve was on fire. I grabbed the monitors and pulled them off. The nurse put them back on. I grabbed them again and the nurse 'growled' at me to leave them there. I reached down and pulled them off and threw them who-knows-where. She put them back on and held them there as I sobbed. 

2:50pm - Dr tried telling me why I needed them there and that I needed to start focusing on baby. I hollered that I knew the reasons and that she just needed to tell me what to do. I've had a baby before, I know how to push and what to do. But, in that moment, the pain was so searing, I couldn't think. My body on fire, everyone NOT helping me, the doctor started to tell me to push and before she could finish her sentence, I pushed. I didn't have that normal feeling like I HAD to push, but I did push. And pushed again. This pain had to stop but nothing helped. No one could touch me. I only listened for my doctors voice to guide me. I pushed again and again and again. I imagined the 2 hours of pushing I did with Blake and the 5 hours Danielle did with Amelia and all I could imagine was a black hole of pain pulling me in. At least this time I didn't think I'd die. I just wanted relief. In those moments, I couldn't think straight enough to realize that the moment she was born, my pain would end. All I could see was that black hole. I pushed again. Mom whispered to me and I didn't listen. I pushed again. 

Mom then said, "Amber, She has a lot of black hair! I see her!"

I then screamed at her and said, "Then grab her by the hair and PULL HER OUT!" 

That brought chuckles and quiet smiles to certain people in the room.

I pushed again. When Danielle was delivering, the midwife kept saying, "she's right here! I see her!"... for 5 hours... When Blake was on his way, my Mom told me he was right there and I knew she wouldn't lie to me. I knew this time, that if Mom was saying, baby was right there, close enough to see and touch...and to grab her by the hair! haha.

There wasn't that 'ring of fire' feeling nor the rush of her being born. There was just a cease to the insane pain. It was finally gone. Blaire was thrown on top of me and I knew this time to touch her quick because with Blake, when I finally reached up to touch him, they'd pulled him away to quickly so I reached up and placed my hand on her arm. 

I pushed for a grand total of 15 minutes.

Dr told me to push at 2:50pm and Blaire came out of her swimming pool at 3:05pm, sunny side up!
Mom says it was instinct for me to get up on my hands and knees because that's the way to turn a baby when she's the wrong way...

Everyone in the room was completely shocked. I didn't comprehend what they were saying, I was just focused on holding her arm. They told me to look at her and I wouldn't. Then they took her away to check her blood sugar and see how she was doing. I laid there. Placenta came next. Then they dug around inside me to get out a clot... now THAT was so not cool but way better than the actual delivery. Then I relaxed as they numbed me up to start stitching away. The nurse was concerned about my reaction to not wanting to see Blaire. Ashley told her that's what I'd done with Blake too. The nurse asked if I even wanted this baby and mom told her "it was a rough pregnancy and a surprise one at that, but yes, she definitely wants this baby."

I was able to clarify later on that I didn't want my
first look at Blaire to be associated with so much pain.
Instead, our first look came a few hours later when
I got to hold her in the NICU after I was feeling
so much better! It's so much better of a memory.
I was out of pain and in the right mindset.

I was finally able to really relax and just lay there... and then my foot pain began.

Within minutes I was writhing around, as much as I could, and crying with the pain. I couldn't believe the epidural didn't work and this pain, that I'd so much counted on being gone, was so present. I asked for meds to help since the epidural didn't. So they threw them at me. "Baby's out, give her whatever it takes!" Fentanyl and Dilauded in large amounts were given and it took nearly two hours to give any relief! 

One pain and then another. Mom said that the doctors couldn't believe the amount of pain I was in and that for the meds to take so long, was so surprising to them. "There was no way you could fake that pain, no matter how good of an actor you could even possibly be."

Ashley followed Blaire to the NICU and stayed with her for some hours. She made sure it was okay that she hold her before I was able to and I immediately told her yes. Blaire needs to be held. 

It wasn't until a few hours later that I learned my "6lb" baby was actually a "10lb. 14.6oz" baby! Everyone was shocked when she came out a squishy and large baby! How did every doctor, nurse, ultrasound tech guess so wrong that I'd have a 6 lb baby!? Even I thought Blaire was on the small side! Mom jokes that Blaire was wrapped around my spine which is why I was in so much pain and why everyone thought she was so small! 

Mom was right, Blaire does have a lot of black hair! Long enough that "if she was born full term, she'd need a haircut as soon as she came out!"

She didn't get the 'cool' birthday of 7/27,
but instead was born the day before her cousin William.

July 28th, 2015
3:05pm

21" long 

10lbs, 14.6oz.

~ Blaire Lydiann Bedford ~

35 Weeks 6 Days

Last night I decided to stretch my MSContin from 6 hours apart to 8 hours apart. I took my late night dose and did just fine with no side effects and this morning I took my 8 hour dose and did just fine! . . . Then the pain kicked in. Massage only made the pain worse and once finally getting the pain to subside some, it came right back. Heat on my back seems to help some, but nothing else helps. So I guess I'll go back to my 6 hour doses like before. The type of pain I'd had this morning was slightly abnormal so I'll just keep that MSContin at 6 hours and try to back off/ down on the Dilauded instead. 

Dr. C emailed me on Friday suggesting backing off to see how things go.

So far it's been a full week that I've been out of L&D for pain! What a victory!! 

It's insane that NO one at UCDavis would give me the spinal injection that would help me. "Only after pregnancy" they all said... I'm so not happy about having to wait so long for pain relief, but I guess God has a plan in all this and I need to get over it and not focus on that... ... =(

8 days and counting!

We're trying to get rid of my parent's pool table. . .  It's in great condition with all it's balls and sticks and is FREE! We need it gone and are unable to transport it so whoever wants it needs to bring 4-6 strong fellas to haul it out... Remember, it's FREE!! Pass the word on! It's FREE!

Once it's gone we will be able to move our living room items into the family room and get settled in some more.

Anyway, 8 days and counting!

35 Weeks 4 Days

It's 10:43pm. 

Mom and I are sitting in a room at L&D. 

We called an advice nurse this afternoon and got the results of my 24-hour urine. The protein count was 265. From my history of Pre Eclampsia I know that 300 is the cut off for either Magnesium Sulphate treatments, or if far enough along, then delivery. Higher bp's, upper right and left side pain, swelling in my left leg (typical), and quite a bit of swelling in my right leg, both hands, and possibly my face, the advice nurse wanted me to be evalulated in L&D. 

So far things are going well, the staff are quite busy, and we have one of the doctors that I like and have seen before. 

That truly is a blessing! 

Other than blood clotting concerns, this is the first time
I've been sent to L&D for reasons other than MAJOR PAIN! =)

Speaking of pain...

Pain has still been on the lower side!
Definitely still present, but the pain isn't going higher than my knee and is totally tolerable!

I'm so thankful for the release of half my pain!

12:05am- Saturday
Dr. just came in and said things all look good and I'm good to go.
I'm not totally in agreement with what the Dr has said and will continue to watch closely for Pre E signs and do my best to keep on top. 

35 Weeks 3 Days

Much less pain today. I was at a fairly steady level 7 pain and used heat on my ankle for most of the day, but pain hasn't been spreading above my knee. It seems like the outer foot pain, the nerve pain down my leg stemming from my back, and the super immense pain have seemed to take a break with the steroid injection! The pain I've been experiencing today I think is the bone spur. The pain is right there, on the inside of my ankle, helped by heat, and even though it hurts it's not as bad as it's been!!

I had an NST this afternoon and it went well. Blaire is progressing well and I'm still praying that her lungs are developing well as well as everything else.

It's official now and we're almost there!!! 

I have one more appointment with my OB before inducing and I'll need to sign papers to make sure Blaire does not get vaccines and to make sure she doesn't get the Hep B or 'anti-STD' goop put in her eyes. Both the Hep B and the eye goop are to protect against STD's. I know for a fact that I don't have anything like that.

Just a few more days to go!

Praying for continued relief in the days to come.

Meanwhile, I'm putting my "hospital list" together so I can pack!

35 Weeks 2 Days

So, yesterday I had the epidural injection and spent the day taking it easy and nearly pain free! 

And then 2am came around and all my pain came flooding into my foot and leg. Joseph was up most of the night massaging my leg and then when it was time to get up, I went to Dad for massage so Joseph could sleep. One day of relief... I gotta ask if I can get daily injections in the morning so my days go great =) Crazyness. . . 

As far as I know, 12 Days to go! 

I have all of Blaire's clothes washed and folded in her box and Mom/I need to sew the edges of her receiving blankets! Mom and I noticed that Blake is feeling warm and acting a little different so we think he might be getting sick. I hope it's over before Blaire comes so that he can see her right away!

Joseph said that he had a dream last night, in the few moments between massaging my leg, that Blaire was born but I didn't let him know she was born! And then he was driving her around town and she had a buzz cut of her blonde hair! haha

Joseph is getting the first set of apple boxes today. Hopefully I'll be able to go to the apt and supervise Mom's packing of our items. I'll pack my bookshelf just like I did last time, since I have a specific way of packing my antique books =)

Lots to do and such short timing to do it all!

35 Weeks 1 Day

I'm finding it more and more difficult to remember what day it is, the date, and how many weeks along I am! I think I'm driving Joseph nuts by my daily asking if he has "to go to work today?" haha

Yesterday I didn't have an episode, but instead had a good appointment with Dr.C. 

I've been knocking myself out in the evenings and nights with 

900mg Gabapentin to try and minimize the nerve pain. 

We woke this morning at 6:30am and had to be at the surgery center in Vaca at 7:15. Joseph took me today since Dad was unable to take me. It was a pretty quick check in and we were taken back to a room right away. Within 15 minutes pain began quickly and was spreading despite Joseph's intense massaging. 30 minutes after being there I was borderline level 10 pain. Half crying and half not, the doctor came in and answered any questions I'd asked thru my on and off tears. He explained what was to happen, but since I had an epidural with Blake, I was familiar with the procedure. 

Laying on my side and clutching the side of the bed I was wheeled down to the surgery room. At this level of pain my eyes are always clenched shut and today talking wasn't too difficult. I was able to answer questions pretty good. I was instructed to sit up with my legs over the edge of the bed (different than with Blake where I stayed laying on my side the whole time) and a nurse stood infront of me holding my hands. I leaned forward as far as I could over Blaire without being unstable. Breathing hard, half moaning, half humming, and eyes clenched shut, I tried to not move while the pain surged and stabbed it's way through my ankle, foot, and up my leg. 

The needle went in and it was so minimal I don't even have anything to compare it to... a splinter is more pain. Then I felt medium pressure in my spine where he was injecting the medications. That was more discomfort but still nothing compared to the pain in the rest of my body. The doctor kept reassuring me that we were almost through and I kept reassuring him that the pain was not being caused from him. I chatted, trying to distract myself, with the nurse and she asked about Blaire and all my pain. Everyone in the room heard, of course, and quite a few of them asked questions about my pain and all were quite appalled with my immense pain. They couldn't believe the pain I was experiencing in front of them was nothing abnormal. 

I was wheeled out to the recovery room where I was instructed to lay on my right side so hopefully the pain medication would go down the right leg and give me relief. Moaning, humming, tapping my fingers on the edge of the bed, eyes still clenched shut, I waited... I waited for the pain to go away but it didn't seem to want to. I might have dropped from a borderline 10 to a not borderline 10 and just a regular 9, but that wasn't the relief I was praying for. Dr came in and asked how I was doing and at the 15 minute mark he wanted me wheeled back into the room so we could try the procedure again. He apologized multiple times over the fact that he was unable to do it "right" (with xray guidance) the first time and that he felt that we needed to try again. Breathing hard and still unable to look at him I told him I was perfectly fine with doing it again. 

Instead of going back to the surgery room, he decided to do the 2nd procedure right there in the recovery room. I let go of the edge of the bed so that I could sit up and lean forward over Blaire. Once again I held the nurse's hands and once again I felt the needle's touch. Once again I felt the pressure of the medication being administered, but unlike before I now felt warmth in my upper leg. I let the nurse know, 

"my leg is warm. Oh, now my calf is warm. . . My foot is warm!"

I lifted my tear stained face to look at her and was finally able to state,

"my leg and foot pain is almost totally gone!"

From the time the Dr pushed the meds through his syrenge til the time I felt relief was about 3 seconds in all. From a nearly 10 pain down to almost gone!!

I laid back on my side, thanked the Dr, listened to his instructions for going home, and waited for Joseph to come back to see me. Within about 10 minutes I was fully dressed and was being wheeled out to the truck for the ride home. My legs were weak, but not so much that I was unstable. 

The rest of today has gone pretty well. I came home and put some ice on my back since it was aching (a normal side effect of the procedure) and skipped my 10am Dilauded. I'd spoken with Dr C. yesterday about dialing back on my pain killers if this procedure works.  By 2pm, my foot was aching some, but it's not the usual pain, it's the bone spur pain. I'm now able to distinguish the difference between the nerve and the bone spur pain much better than before. I put heat on my foot and went ahead on schedule and took the Dilauded. 

So far so good! I'm still taking it easy by staying in bed and using the scooter to not put additional pressure or movement on my ankle.
We shall see how tomorrow goes.
As for today?
God has definitely answered my pleas for help!

35 Weeks 0 Day

Appointment with Dr. C today.
Dad went with me and helped to fill her in on what's been happening at L&D.
She said they legally can not, NOT treat me.
She said there is no note in the system that says I can't be treated. 

Very odd. 

We are going to try and decrease my meds and if I end up having major episodes, 

then we'll continue to rush to UCD and if they say they can't treat me, I'll ask to see it. 

Overall the appointment went well. 

Good chance that I'll be induced July 27th. =D

Even though the pain today has been constant at a 7/8, I've not had a really bad episode.

Tomorrow morning I'm headed to the Vaca Surgery Center to have a steroid injection into my spine to see if it will give me relief.

Praying, praying, praying for relief!!

34 Weeks 6 Days

The last two day's posts ended up being drafts and remain unfinished.

Today I'll put it simply with two quotes from the L&D Dr.

"We only deal with things associated with the vagina. We don't deal with ankle pain."

"There is a note in the system, put in yesterday after your visit, that you are no longer to be treated for pain other than that associated with pregnancy."

34 Weeks 2 Days

Today I had quite the morning of pain. Kara was visiting and was able to entertain Blake while Dad, Joseph, and Mom helped me with massaging, ice packs, and heat packs. A few hours of pain passed in just enough time to get ready for my appointment with Pain Management in Fairfield (UCD P.M. still refuses to see me). Kara came with Me and Dad to the appointment. I was there to get 2 injections of Lidocaine in my spine at 2 different levels. When we got there we asked if I could get an injection in my ankle/lower leg as well since pain is really slamming me there. Doc said she would be guessing if she tried in the ankle becuase the nerves are too small and too hard to find. So she said that instead, she would stick my butt and "poke around" and find the sciatic nerve. I asked Dad to video the procedure and he did. He didn't record when my butt was stabbed multiple times, haha, but he did record the rest! I tried uploading them to this post, but was unable to do so!

When we left the appointment, I had to sit on my scooter because the strength of my leg was totally gone since I was numb! It was quite amusing! My foot/leg has been numb for hours and 6 hours later, I finally got some strength back in my leg. My pain level has been like....3-4?  Some niggling pain, but nothing severe. The bone spur part of my ankle has been in more pain though and is starting to build a little bit.

This afternoon I was quite tired and laid down to sleep. I basically passed out. Hours later I woke up to Blaire stretching and kicking up a storm! I think she was not happy that I was laying half on my tummy. Yes, I'm 34 weeks and can still sleep on my tummy comfortably! I fell back asleep and woke to my medication alarm going off. I tried to text my mom to find out what meds I needed but I was so out of it, I sent a crazy text that was made of half words or no real words at all! haha

34 Weeks 2 Days

When I was pregnant with Blake I so looked forward to his arrival. As soon as it was announced we were having a boy, we always called him Blake, not Baby. I was so excited to meet him and hold him. He was born and was taken away right away and I didn't get to meet him for 8 hours. They had me come in to hold him just before they transported him to UCDavis. 

When I held him it was the strangest thing. I looked into his face and my mind went blank. I didn't know what to think. He was no longer inside me, but in my arms instead. He looked at me and didn't make any sounds. I felt his swollen hands and feet. I rubbed his bright red legs and arms. 

I so wanted to cry because I didn't feel like he was anything special. 

I was in a room full of nurses and family members all excited to witness my first moment of holding my son and all I felt were their eyes on me. I didn't feel anything toward 'this Baby'. At that point he wasn't Blake, he was just a baby I was holding.

It took a few weeks for me to really feel like he was mine. I knew it would take some time, but I still felt very guilty for not loving him like I was "supposed to."

I totally felt with this pregnancy that I was having a girl. All the symptoms were so different, I just "knew" that it was a girl. We were able to find out the gender of the Baby and from that day, just like with Blake, we started referring to her as Blaire.

But, I have found it very hard to call her Blaire and have continued, for the most part, to refer to her as 'the Baby.'

Laying in bed this morning she kicked my hands and rolled over and all around. . . .

I thought of her arrival in less than 3 weeks and how I have not taken the time to enjoy her. . . .

I've been so focused on my pain that I couldn't even enjoy the nudges and kicks Blaire has been making. This whole time I've been waiting for this journey to be over and done with because it's been so stressful and so not enjoyable. 

To realize that I've been so detached makes me so sad. 

I'm not even able to find the proper words to describe it.
I've lost time and will never be able to get it back.

I always want to live in the moment and enjoy every aspect of life, but this journey has been so much. I always enjoy Blake, but Blaire has been forgotten. 

When I think of her, it's always in terms of sadness and pain.

It's not "she'll be here in 3 weeks!"

It's more like, "she'll be here in 3 weeks. We don't know if she'll handle the withdrawls okay." 

It's not, "she is moving!"
It's more like, "she isn't moving because I have so many drugs in my system."

It's not, "we're gonna bring a baby home!!!"

It's more like, "We don't know how long it will be before we can bring her home from the hospital. Not only does she have to get off all these drugs, but I do too. And we don't know what other issues she might have that will keep her longer in the hospital.

I've tried to be so positive about this all.

It's been hard in so many ways.

I know God is in control and He will make 

things work perfectly according to His will.

I remember what Jesus did for me, taking all my pain 

and suffering so I don't have to live in a horrible eternity.
I think of Him and know that I can deal with this.
He felt more pain than I and still continued in His Father's will.

But then to realize my lack of enthusiasm during this time. . .

During each immense pain episode asking, "Is she worth all this?" 

Begging someone, Anyone! to tell me that "she is worth this." 

Always saying "I can't wait for this to be over and done with forever."

. . . . . . . . . . .

That is a different emotion all together.

34 Weeks 0 Days

It's 10pm and I'm reclining comfortably in "my" bed watching Bones. I'm not in L&D or ER!!! I just hope tonight continues as today has gone. Mom took me to the Chiropractor this afternoon and I was able to do the back treatments again. My pain spike coincided with the time I stopped the chiropractor treatments so I asked if I could continue the treatments.

Today Ashley and I went through all Blaire's clothing. We are almost set! I need to buy a few sets of pants and maybe an extra sleeper or two for different months. Of course, I'll be buying some decorative elastic and sew some flowers on and make her some head bands!

I've been having some contractions but can hardly feel them. I can feel some sharp pains down low but I'm unable to recognize when my belly gets hard. Mom can tell, but it all feels the same to me! With Blake I was never able to distinguish between contractions and regular belly tightness. When I've had my NST's, the machine shows that I'm having consistent contractions and I'm dilated to 1cm. The other night I woke to a very odd feeling. I knew that I didn't pee my pants by the way everything felt, but it was strange and now am on the lookout for more leaking of the water bag. Blaire has been quite active today. I took one extra pill in the afternoon, but since I've not been loaded up with meds from the hospital, she has been able to function well today without being so subdued from the drugs. 

I so hate being on these drugs. I hate that Blaire will have to go through withdrawls. I'm praying that her lungs will develop quickly and properly so she won't need steroids to develop them. Also that she will go through withdrawls just fine so we can bring her home at 1 week old rather than who-knows-when. I've been learning new things from all the different doctors I've been seeing (literally) every other day (or more).

3 weeks and counting...

21 days (hopefully) to induction.

In an email, my OB said that I could deliver at 37 weeks, but I need to make sure she sticks to her word. I'm not ready to continue in this pain and all the trips for help, so I gotta keep her to her word at 37 weeks and not longer!!

Almost 34 Weeks

We have decided to take my dad up on his offer.

We are giving up our apartment and moving in permanently with my parents.
We already have been in their "guest room" for over a week and will be packing up our boxes of belonging and transporting our furniture to this house over the next few weeks. I'm completely on bed rest except for bathroom trips. I'm eating meals mostly laying down in bed or on the couch. 

There is too much to say. There aren't enough words to describe what has been going on so I'm going to give you the letter that I'm sending to my OB. I've been up at Labor&Delivery so many times, I can't even count them by now; I'm sure it's beyond the 20 mark.

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Hi Dr. C,

I’ve been having a very difficult time managing this pain. I’m driving up to L&D numerous times during the week to get additional help for relief. I’m taking 15mg MSContin every 6 hours and 2mg Dilaudid every 4 hours. A few days ago, one of the L&D doctors instructed to take a 4mg tab when I have an episode and see if that helps and might reduce my trips to UCD. So far, it has helped for 1 or 2 episodes, but not for the other 3 or more episodes. I’m completely on bedrest except for bathroom trips. I’m laying constantly in bed, even laying down to eat meals. It has definitely been better to lay down rather than to sit or stand, but the pain level is still high and is always present.

By the time I arrive at UCD, I’ve already had an hour of intense pain at home, endured 45 minutes being driven to UCD laying in the back seat while pain continues to increase, and by the time I’m at L&D waiting for help the pain becomes unbearable. Once finally being checked in and called back to a room it takes at least 60 minutes to get any medication  okay'ed by a doctor or delivered and even longer for some relief. I wait sobbing and writhing in pain, unable to lay still, and unable to answer questions correctly. Yesterday I was unable to state how far along I am/when I’m due, and that's something that is easy to remember.

I and my Mom/Dad have overheard conversations between nurses where it has been said, “can’t she manage her pain at home?” Another conversation was, 

Nurse who checked me in- “She is here again. What do you want me to do?”
Person on the walky talky device- “Again? Stop giving her meal trays!”
Nurse- “We haven’t been giving her any.”
Person on the device- “Put her in the lobby and wait an hour and see if she goes away.”
Nurse- “I can’t do that. She is the only one here in the lobby.”
Person on the device- “Well, I guess you gotta treat her then.”

& other nurses seeming to have little to no compassion for my situation while I’m dealing with severe pain. We have asked about when a doctor would be able to come and assist and the nurse replied, ‘ you just have to wait your turn.’
I’ve been put in back rooms with no air conditioner on and instructed to keep the door closed because I’m “upsetting the other patients” but they are in no rush to give me assistance. We opened the door for fresher air because of  the heated room and we have been told to close the door because there were patients down the hall and then have been given dirty looks from certain nurses because of my sobbing. I feel like they are treating me like I’m just there for a drug fix, rather than treating me like someone who is dealing with legitimate pain and someone who needs relief. 

 Is there something that is in my chart which would make them treat me like I’m there for something other than significant and crippling pain issues? I have no where else to go and the pain doesn’t go away on it’s own. Over the time I sit waiting for help, the pain just builds and builds. Never in my life have I been in this much pain.

Dealing with all this pain and misery, I should not have to deal with nurses who have an issue with me coming in for help.
Also, is there any way to get medication ordered for me ahead of time so that when I am in L&D every 2-3 or so days, I don’t have to wait so long for relief? As I stated earlier, by the time I’m getting minimal relief, it has already been at least 2.5 hours or more of severe and unbearable pain…
-Amber
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33 Weeks 2 Days

I woke up this morning with steady, but not intense, level 7 pain. I got up to crawl to the bathroom and back and my pain didn't increase. I crawled downstairs and my pain didn't increase. I sat at the table for 5 minutes to eat and then laid down on the couch with ice packs. 5 minutes later I was asking for a foot massage. By the time 10 minutes had passed, my pain had spiked to almost a level 10. 

Dad rushed us out the door to head to UCDavis. Panting, moaning, rubbing my leg/foot, and weaving through traffic, we got there just before tears started to fall. I scooter-ed up to the L&D. The receptionist was on the phone, chuckling and smiling... Nearly in tears I asked if she could get me in the system. She told the person on the phone to hold on. She said she would be right with me and then walked to the other side of the counter, picked up the phone and said,'Okay so the fax machine and printer..." I exclaimed and said "Really!?" Tears flew to my eyes and down my face. The pain was sooo bad and I'd been dealing with it for over an hour. I called out asking for help. No One Came. I sat on my scooter at an empty window slot and the doors opened next to me and a nurse leaving was passing me. I called and reached out asking if they could help me! The nurse didn't even stop. 

You got a pregnant woman leaning over handle bars of a scooter, sobbing in pain, crying out for help. and you couldn't even stop to say anything?! 

I then reached over the counter to the stack of papers. I filled out the paper they'd use to register me in their system and when I finished it, another nurse walked up and I slammed it on the counter. The pain was so bad I was shaking and couldn't even sign my name and it be readable. The new nurse instructed me to wheel out back to the lobby and wait. I couldn't even move so I sobbed next to the window until Dad came up to join me.

Within just 2 minutes or so I was told there was a bed for me. Dad pushed the scooter and then I fell into bed. The nurse asked me to put on the large belly band so they could monitor Blaire. I then laid in bed, writhing, sobbing, and hollering for nearly an hour before any nurse came back. I got an injection of pain meds which kicked in fully after about 15 minutes. I'd been in severe pain for 2 hours or more by this point.

This whole day is crazy. I don't know why I was in so much pain. Last night was the first time I didn't sleep on ice this whole week...
Could that be the only thing that caused this morning episode?

Dad and Chad are going out now to buy a new bed for me and Joseph to stay in the guest room. Mom and Dad will get their room back and I'll be able to be downstairs and be confined to bed completely except for bathroom breaks and dr. visits. If getting up is going to cause so much pain, then I won't be getting up at all.