34 Weeks 2 Days

When I was pregnant with Blake I so looked forward to his arrival. As soon as it was announced we were having a boy, we always called him Blake, not Baby. I was so excited to meet him and hold him. He was born and was taken away right away and I didn't get to meet him for 8 hours. They had me come in to hold him just before they transported him to UCDavis. 

When I held him it was the strangest thing. I looked into his face and my mind went blank. I didn't know what to think. He was no longer inside me, but in my arms instead. He looked at me and didn't make any sounds. I felt his swollen hands and feet. I rubbed his bright red legs and arms. 

I so wanted to cry because I didn't feel like he was anything special. 

I was in a room full of nurses and family members all excited to witness my first moment of holding my son and all I felt were their eyes on me. I didn't feel anything toward 'this Baby'. At that point he wasn't Blake, he was just a baby I was holding.

It took a few weeks for me to really feel like he was mine. I knew it would take some time, but I still felt very guilty for not loving him like I was "supposed to."

I totally felt with this pregnancy that I was having a girl. All the symptoms were so different, I just "knew" that it was a girl. We were able to find out the gender of the Baby and from that day, just like with Blake, we started referring to her as Blaire.

But, I have found it very hard to call her Blaire and have continued, for the most part, to refer to her as 'the Baby.'

Laying in bed this morning she kicked my hands and rolled over and all around. . . .

I thought of her arrival in less than 3 weeks and how I have not taken the time to enjoy her. . . .

I've been so focused on my pain that I couldn't even enjoy the nudges and kicks Blaire has been making. This whole time I've been waiting for this journey to be over and done with because it's been so stressful and so not enjoyable. 

To realize that I've been so detached makes me so sad. 

I'm not even able to find the proper words to describe it.
I've lost time and will never be able to get it back.

I always want to live in the moment and enjoy every aspect of life, but this journey has been so much. I always enjoy Blake, but Blaire has been forgotten. 

When I think of her, it's always in terms of sadness and pain.

It's not "she'll be here in 3 weeks!"

It's more like, "she'll be here in 3 weeks. We don't know if she'll handle the withdrawls okay." 

It's not, "she is moving!"
It's more like, "she isn't moving because I have so many drugs in my system."

It's not, "we're gonna bring a baby home!!!"

It's more like, "We don't know how long it will be before we can bring her home from the hospital. Not only does she have to get off all these drugs, but I do too. And we don't know what other issues she might have that will keep her longer in the hospital.

I've tried to be so positive about this all.

It's been hard in so many ways.

I know God is in control and He will make 

things work perfectly according to His will.

I remember what Jesus did for me, taking all my pain 

and suffering so I don't have to live in a horrible eternity.
I think of Him and know that I can deal with this.
He felt more pain than I and still continued in His Father's will.

But then to realize my lack of enthusiasm during this time. . .

During each immense pain episode asking, "Is she worth all this?" 

Begging someone, Anyone! to tell me that "she is worth this." 

Always saying "I can't wait for this to be over and done with forever."

. . . . . . . . . . .

That is a different emotion all together.